Feature
No Thanks, I’m Happy Living
Becky Bartlett saves thousands with her Survival For Dummies quick-fix guide
The film industry has little patience with people. There is an undeniable penchant for death in cinema, and lots of it. The more, and the more inventive, the better. But what if you don’t want to die? Most people would try to avoid it, one imagines. So here’s some useful advice for if you ever find yourself in a film and want to survive.
Be the best character you can be
Survival depends on you being worth it. If viewers don’t like you, you will die. Unfortunately, if you are completely pure and virtuous, chances are you will die. So the trick is to be well-meaning, but flawed. Have some deep-rooted issues that you are valiantly trying to come to terms with, and if you are shy, make sure to develop some confidence on your journey. Try not to learn a valuable lesson, as it will most likely result in you sacrificing yourself for the greater good, and that means you will die. Avoid being the comedy sidekick, because this means not only will you die, but your death will be ironic and humorous. Preferably, be American, and if you can, try to be a female - there has to be one person left in a massacre to tell the tale, and this person is inevitably a woman. Alternatively, if you must be male, the optimum male to be is the canine variety - disaster movies see massive death tolls, which viewers relish with sadistic glee, but the dog will always survive. Always.
Actions speak for themselves
Your interaction with your fellow humans is integral to survival. So whatever you do, treat your co-characters with respect. For those stuck in a snowstorm/ hurricane/ volcanic eruption, the rules are simple: don’t start mindless, meaningless fights within your group. Remember, united you survive, divided you all will die. Likewise, if one of your team, in a fit of insanity, leaves or disappears, do not go after them. To truly be a hero, you must accept that trying to save one will undoubtedly mean the deaths of everyone else. Try not to split up, and resist the urge to be either the leader or expendable. Have more than five lines, but little actual responsibility. If you are in space, ensure two things: never go off course, regardless of any disturbing radio signals, and if your captain is a guy called Kirk, do not under any circumstances wear a red shirt.
It’s my body and I’ll do what I want with it
Yes, it’s true, your body is your own business, but if you want it to remain intact, treat it with respect. Unless you live in Cherry Falls, never have sex. The instant you submit to primal urges and sins of the flesh, your days are numbered. As a wise man in Mean Girls once stated, “if you have sex, you will get Chlamydia. And die.” Judging by most deaths-after-sex, Chlamydia is preferable - at least that can be treated. Also take care to be modest. No one likes someone flaunting themselves, and most serial killers are quite prudish, often as a result of a history of abuse. Never end up naked - your death will be painful and embarrassing. If you must be sexy, it helps if you are unaware of the effect you have on the opposite sex, and if you have to have sex, make sure you are doing it for the right reason, which is love. Chances are you’ll have accidentally given your virginity to the killer, but this innocence and emotional attachment will ensure your survival, and give you something to discuss with your therapist for years to come.
Nature fights back
You must learn to accept your own limitations. Never claim to be invincible, and do not tempt fate by asking for death - it will inevitably strike at the very moment you shoot your mouth off. Do not assume that because you have had forewarning, you will be safe. In fact, if you pay attention to any prophecies or visions your death will be far more gruesome and creative than if you had simply accepted the inevitable and let the world get on with its business. Also, importantly, try to not annoy that most genial soul, Mother Nature. Should you, or your family, or your town, or indeed anyone you know, do something that goes against nature - animal testing, destruction of wetlands, ignoring global warming threats, dumping toxic waste - you will pay with swarms of reptiles, deranged and indestructible monster attacks, infestations, disease and, of course, death.
It’s a scary world out there, but even if your film doesn’t feel like a horror, it doesn’t mean you’re safe. Try to keep this advice in mind and remember, above all, don’t panic. Or go upstairs. Or investigate that noise. But whatever happens, your fate is not in vain. If you survive, you can look forward to a lifetime of guilt, trauma, nightmares and sequels. And if you die? Perhaps your death can one day be added to this list so that some fortunate future victim can learn something from it. At the very least, be grateful that your death will no doubt shock, disgust and entertain generations of people to come. Now, go and enjoy life while you still have the chance…
Becky Bartlett