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The List: Hottest Dead Characters
Becky Bartlett looks at the sexiest undead characters to have graced the silver screen
Edward Cullen - Twilight
Of course a vampire has to be on this list, and I hold my head up high as I claim Edward is the reason for this list’s existence. No, he’s not scary, but his tightly-wound restraint adds to the sexual tension of the film, while Robert Pattinson has those unusual features that shouldn’t work but somehow do. He may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but one has to admit, his looks aren’t those you see on a daily basis. Edward as a character is one of the few non-feral vampires in cinema whose looks and brooding, self-loathing attitude does not equal any campness or ridiculousness. He talks about his feelings, or doesn’t talk at all, he is “vegetarian” and resists all sexual advances, but he is undeniably, completely manly and shamefully sexy because of it.
Santanico Pandemonium - From Dusk Till Dawn
Another vampire, but a completely different kind. From the second Salma Hayek struts onscreen she is captivating. She is tiny and barefoot, but she oozes confidence, womanliness and unbridled sex appeal. And she has a snake with her! No wonder Quentin Tarantino only has eyes for her. She makes toe sucking the most important, erotic, desirable foreplay in the world. Even if it’s a prelude to a grisly death. And even then, chances are you’d die happy.
Kat - Zombie Strippers!
First, let’s get this straight. Kat is played by Jenna Jameson. Jenna Jameson is a successful porn star. That means she knows something about being sexy. As Kat, Jenna Jameson is a stripper. Who then becomes a zombie. And the more dead she gets, the hotter she gets. All the zombie strippers at Ian’s (Robert Englund) club are sexy, and even as their flesh rots and their bones become exposed, as their bodies turn vile shades of black, blue and green, the punters keep coming. Why? Because they are completely uninhibited sexual beings flaunting their sexuality and uncaring of the consequences. And because they are zombie strippers. Really, the clue is in the title.
The Bride - Bride of Frankenstein
So it seems dead girls may be sexier than dead boys. Frankenstein is not a good looking body, but his Bride, well, that’s a different story altogether. Bandaged from head to toe, her mummification simply reveals her curves in all their splendour, while the scientists have the joy of slowly unwrapping her. It’s no wonder burlesque acts have imitated this scene. When her body is concealed under a shapeless white cloak, we finally get to see her face, and her beauty is simply emphasised by the artistic scars highlighting her facial structure. Clearly she is too good for her husband-to-be.
Eric Draven - The Crow
In real life, Bruce Lee was fairly average looking, in an early-90s sort of way. In The Crow, fuelled on righteous vengeance and gothed up, he is just beautiful. Every emo- and goth-kid’s dream, boys want to be him and girls want him to kill everyone on their behalf. Eric Draven, automatically cool in life because he was in a band, is one of the few men who can die, be resurrected, paint his face like a sad clown and look even better than before. He wraps his rippling body in black PVC tape, wears big biker boots and plays haunting guitar riffs on the rooftop. Corpses don’t get much better looking than this.
And the least sexy characters are…
The entire cast - Orgy of the Dead
From the second The Incredible Criswell announces his plans for a night of debauchery and sordid pleasure, we know we are doomed. And the onslaught begins - girl after girl dragged from the grave (off-screen, of course) to perform themed dances according to their life’s sins. Let the records state that any girl dancing in a cat costume with holes cut out around the breast area was not, is not and will never be sexy. In any way. Ever. The dancing girls (using the term loosely) were strippers, yet not one of them can achieve even the remotest semblance of eroticism or sexiness. Thank goodness for Ed Wood’s script, which almost makes up for the majority of excruciating routines, just…
Becky Bartlett